I've been thinking a lot lately about my blessings.
God's blessed me so much, especially in the area of creativity. A lot of people have told me that something I did or said was amazing. And I'm conscious of the fact that I'm different from other people. (The devil's trying to make me think I'm better than others, but I'm trying to resist that.)
I've been finding myself wondering why God chose to give me all these gifts that I have. He obviously wants me to do something with them. I've been praying a bit about this, and I think He's trying to nudge me to an organisation in the UK called Viz-A-Viz, which is a Christian outreach organisation, basically. They offer "year out" plans with them called Optimum, which is what I think God wants me to do. I personally know two people who've been on that themselves.
So now that I've said the above, let me explain why I'm scared to death of this:
- The first and most obvious problem is money. As in, I don't have it. (Or at least, I do, but most of it is tucked away somewhere for things like buying a house, car, etc, which is what my parents want me to save up for.) This should probably be combined with the neext point:
- My parents aren't Christians. In other words, they're going to believe I'm absolutely barmy for doing this because of the money and job situation. (I've been looking for a job for over a year now.) I do believe that God's wanting me to do this, though.
- What happens afterwards? I could go to uni, but doing what? Although thinking about that, that question may be better answered during the year itself.
- And probably the biggest thing... I've never done anything like this before. I have no freaking clue what happens, and it scares me to death to think that I'll be relying solely on God for the money situation and other things. Nothing will be familiar to me. To be quite honest, though, to be able to do that would be a big step in my spiritual growth. A freaking huge step, even; I need to know what it feels like to trust solely in God and not keep myself tucked away in my secure world. I need to say, "Lord, I'm Yours. Do what you will with me. Really." and mean it.
[edit: Made public; see the bottom of my latest entry.]